- It's very important to be interesting yourself. Most guests, let's face it, however famous they are, are boring, with no intellectual resources and very little sense of humor, particularly if they are comedians. People only watch my shows for me, and those shows have remained evergreen long after the guests are forgotten. Always wear beautiful clothes, preferably a different frock for every show, and don't overdo the hospitality beforehand. An intoxicated guest is a loose canon and I'm not referring to my famous interview with Jack Palance that didn't go to air!
- Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.
- My parents were very pleased that I was in the army. The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more.
- New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human.
- To live in Australia permanently is rather like going to a party and dancing all night with one's mother.
- I hate really talking at memorial services, I suppose the only one I would ever enjoy would be the funeral of the Human Rights Commission.
- Hannah Gadsby is about as funny as an orphanage on fire.
- Most of my contemporaries at school entered the world of business, the logical destiny of bores.
- [on Melbourne] Exhilaratingly dull.
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