Quotes

If you break into my house, I *will* shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you *why* she shot you.

A free book that comes to my house full of nothing but women in their underwear? God Bless America! [on the Victoria's Secret catalog]

(in 2006) I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.

For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'

I came from a dad that was married six times and had a thousand affairs in between, and sometimes you learn what to do by observing, and sometimes you learn by observing, the opposite. And so any time he decided to pull the cord and walk out, I saw the damage, and I don't care what people say to kids, when a parent leaves, what a kid feels is 'I wasn't worth sticking around for', so I just decided early in my life if I had kids they weren't going to feel that way. Even if it was like during those busy days, during the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, I would rent a plane, I would fly home every night, if I did a show in St. Louis, I'd walk offstage, get on the plane, get back to Atlanta at 1:30, 2 in the morning, got up at 6 and took my kids to school, picked them up from school, went back, got on a plane and flew to Minneapolis. I look back and I laugh and go 'When did I sleep?', but if you talk to my kids who are in their 30s now, they're like, 'We don't really remember you being gone much'.

I watched my dad get off work and go to the bar, and I saw what happened, so like when were doing Blue Collar, you get back to the hotel and the other guy's like 'Hey man, let's go grab a beer'. I don't think there's anything wrong with grabbing a beer, but I know if I get in there and have a beer and start cutting up with them, laughing around, probably gonna have another one and another one. And if someone in a low-cut dress sits next to me and they smell good, now I have put myself in a situation where I could break the trust of my kids and my wife, and I saw my dad do that again and again and again, and I'm like 'Yeah, it *looks* good, it *ain't* good'. And so I would say to them 'I'm going up to my room, ordering room service and calling home'. But I learned from a bad example, 'Okay, *don't* do that', the lucky ones learn from a good example.

I was doing an interview years ago and the lady said 'Okay, you do stand-up, you write books, you paint, you do game shows, which one are you?' And I said 'Well, all those things are things that I do, and I love what I do, I wouldn't want to do anything else, but who I am is a husband an a dad and a brother, and a son and a person of the community I live in, so what I do may change many times, hopefully who I am stays consistent through that'. I think when our business, when it becomes dangerous is when your identity becomes what you do. When that goes away, what are you left with, you know?