Quotes

[on whether he really liked the beer he advertised] I look at my new house, I look at my new car and I think 'Yes, I loved the bloody stuff'!

Whatever happened to the Elephant Man? He just made that one corker of a movie and that was it!

[A member of a pipe smoker's club has said smokers never get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's] Yes, because smokers never live long enough to get those diseases, do they?

[Stand-up] "Burger! Burger!" "That's £20. Next window please." "What, where, huh?" "There you go, now F*** Off!" And so modern man settles down to a burger alone in a car park at ten o' clock on a Friday night. "[Munches down the burger] That was nice.... does you good to get out once in a while..."

Southend! The only place they build the Baby Holster into the School Uniform...

I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like his passengers.

[Audience Participation Notepad] If the Egyptians invented Glass then why don't Pyramids have Windows?[Smiles, grabs the note and stuffs it away in his suit pocket]