Quotes

I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.

[after winning the Golden Globe for best comedy series] This is a sad day for the Golden Globes. It is, however, quite a good day for Larry David. I suspect the wife will be a little forthcoming tonight.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man--there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

I couldn't be happier that President [George W. Bush] has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

I didn't cringe when I saw myself--I mean, sometimes I did, but it wasn't a big cringe-fest for me.

I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, "That'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless".

[on ever remarrying] It would be a silly thing to do. Why would I do it? Why would I want that contract? I already have kids. The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. You get married, you have kids--you should plan this from the beginning. We're going to have these kids, then we'll get divorced when they're four. All right, six.

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.

This notion I hear that [Woody Allen] doesn't direct, I mean, that's kind of ridiculous. He gets what he wants.

[on playing the character Larry o Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000)] Every day confirms, more and more, he's right. He's right about everything; he's rarely, rarely wrong. And when he is, he apologizes. I think a lot of people are afraid to apologize. I love to apologize. I was raised to apologize. My mother insisted always. Even if I was 100% right, she would insist, Larry, you be the man, go ahead. Tell him you're sorry! But I didn't do anything! I don't care. Tell him you're sorry!

When things happen to me, I write them down. I'll use them eventually, at some point. I carry around a little pad with me. I carried a pad around for years, and then when I got a cell phone I stopped carrying the pad and started writing them on the cell phone. People thought that I was texting and I was being rude, so then I went back to the pad. You don't want to be called a millennial.: "You're acting like a millennial!! " That is not a good thing to be called.