Quotes

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

[on Ed Sullivan] Ed Sullivan was an anti-Semite and a very dull person in reality. No fucking talent at all! If you didn't do his show he would bad-mouth you in his column.

[on Woody Allen] Woody Allen used some of my material. He was no good at the . . . he died at the Hungry i and at the Blue Angel. He's not as great a performer as he thinks he is.

[on Milton Berle] I don't know how people thought he was so funny. Compared to others he was, so far as I was concerned, a lightweight.

[on Jackie Mason] Jackie Mason was very good in the beginning, but when he became rich he became a Republican.

[on Jerry Lewis] Jerry Lewis had a heart attack. Someone told him they found a cure for muscular dystrophy! He's always looking for a disease that has no cure.

Wherever you go, there you are.

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.

The role of the artist is to be a rebel. That's what the great ones have always been.

Protocol takes precedence over procedure.

[on the meaning of life] One of the things you've got to understand is that we've got to develop a continuity in order to relate to exacerbate those whose curiosity has not been defended, yet the information given can not no longer be used as allegoric because the defendant does not use the evidence which can be substantiated by.

I will run for any party with bottle in hand.

When I tried to join the Communist Party, they called me an anarchist.

Groucho Marx once said that religion is the opiate of the people. I say that when religion outlives its usefulness, then opium will be the opiate. Ah, that's not a bad idea.