Quotes

I say, when you tell the truth, you never offend nobody, particularly if you do it with dignity.

One of my sisters wanted to be an opera singer. So, we spent a few dollars to try to train her, because Italian people would like to have an opera singer in the family. But she's got trouble coughing, let alone singing. One day, she was in the shower singing "Madame Butterfly". Three days later the Japs attacked Pearl Harbor.

One time I visited my mother and found St. Anthony's statue upside down. I say, "Mama, why's St. Anthony upside down?" '[She said] "He don't answer my novena, he stays that way!"

When I was a boy, we had 45 statues [of saints] in my house. Ever have 90 eyes looking at you every time you have to go to the bathroom?

[on Joe DiMaggio] Joe DiMaggio never spent a dime, never picked up a check, but he was Joe DiMaggio. He thought he walked on water. When I became a little bit of a name, he would walk in and he would sit at my table and I would have to pay for his dinner. He never spent for nothing.

[about The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962)] I only did it with Johnny Carson once. I didn't like Johnny Carson and he didn't like me. He was not a nice man . . . Johnny Carson came in at the right time and Johnny Carson was brilliant on that show. When the show was over, he was not a nice man. Not a nice man at all. So that's that.

[on Jerry Vale] He was another one who never picked up a check! He took me out for dinner--I had to pay the tip! Talk about a cheap human being! He took about six or seven of us out for dinner, the check came to around $700. He got dinner complimentary from The Riviera! He said, "You take care of the tip." It cost me around $200 to get a free dinner from Jerry Vale! Another miser!

[on Buddy Hackett] Buddy Hackett was a terrible human being, but a very funny man. Buddy Hackett had no respect for anybody. He had a filthy mouth. Not a dirty mouth. There's a difference. He had a filthy mouth. Buddy was a great comedian when he went out on the stage. He was one of the lowest, filthiest comics out there and he was successful. Today they make Buddy Hackett look like a virgin . . . But he wasn't the nicest guy in the world. I got along with him because I stood away from him.

"Who told you that!?" (famous line on The Howard Stern Show, repeated many times through the years on tape)