Quotes

I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.

Life for me is great. I'm a very f***in' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

There are two seasons in Scotland - Winter and July.

It's very awkward to be kind of big in your own field. It limits what you're offered. People are swayed by the fact that you're a comedian or a musician or whatever they think you are. When it comes to choosing you, they get a bit shaky about offering you a different type of role. But I've really been very lucky. When you compare me to other comedians, I've been very fortunate. So you'll get no complaints.

I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they'd made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce -- my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions -- the absurdity of the thing.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

Gerry Rafferty was a hugely talented songwriter and singer who will be greatly missed. I was privileged to have spent my formative years working with Gerry and there remained a strong bond of friendship between us that lasted until his untimely death. Gerry had extraordinary gifts and his premature passing deprives the world of a true genius.

There comes a point when you don't give a shit what anybody thinks. It doesn't happen all at once, but it's lovely when it does. Criticism used to worry me before, but I can suddenly write it off. It's too late. I don't have the time to spend thinking about it anymore. I need that time to live with.

I fucking hate going on holiday anywhere but in my own home. My idea of a nice break is lying in bed being brought cups of tea while watching football, episodes of Law & Order (1990) or one of those reality shows set in a prison. And it fucking terrifies me to be somewhere where Pamela Stephenson's going to be lurking about waiting to guilt-trip me into going on a walk to Japanese gardens, sampling vanilla tea or trying to stay upright on a contraption that doesn't know if it's a kite or a surfboard. Wild horses couldn't persuade me. If she'd had her way, we'd start the day with an hour of power yoga on the shore, followed by a gluten-free breakfast, a scuba dive to see enormous, bitey things, then a tanning session on the beach where the combination of sunscreen and sand turns you into a giant schnitzel. After lunch there'd be kayaking to a deserted island, then a candlelit dinner in some exotic outdoor location where small bitey things make you even more miserable than the big ones.

Jazz makes me want to vomit!

I've had it with terrorists of all colors and fucking descriptions. Fucking bringing terror to some innocent person's life. Fuck you. Osama Bin Laden lives in a cave, shits in a fucking bucket. Why are we scared of this prick? Fuck you, Bin Laden!

I don't want to influence anybody so I shut up. I think the Scots will come to a good conclusion in the referendum. They'll get what they deserve.

[on the death of Robin Williams] Robin was 'on' all the time. He was a joy to be around, let me tell you. In all the years I knew him I never got tired of him. He was a one-off, so warm, so human. In my quieter moments I do sometimes think I could have done more to help him. It's a lonely life, show business. You spend a lot of time on your own, and if you dwell on these things you can hurt yourself, as Robin proved.

The future doesn't exist and neither does the past. Worrying about it is a waste of time and effort.

[on his belief that Robin Williams was trying to say goodbye when they last spoke] On the last phone call he said, 'I love you like a brother' and I said, 'I know you do' and he said, 'Are you sure you know?' and I said, 'Yes'. Robin worried about everything.

[on politicians] Don't vote, it just encourages them.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

Irish people don't communicate like anyone else. I was walking in Ireland, and this woman said "Oh, Billy Connolly you're the spitting image of yourself!".

I think Wilderbeest don't know that they're Wilderbeest. For there are no mirrors on the Serengeti. "Run Wilderbeest! Run for your life!" "I'm not a Wilderbeest! I'm one of those stripey things over there!"

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!

That run-on just threw me there. Should be an Olympic event, shouldn't it? You could strap wee hurdles to people and get them to do that. I would turn up. That was *very* pleasant, I must say. Jeez, we should do that more often... much, much more often. And what a *nice* dress. [Billy was compèring a BAFTA TV awards programme in 1995. Liz Hurley, dressed in a full-length, non-revealing dress, ran down the stairs onto the set, to present an award. It was obvious from her bouncing breasts that she was not wearing a bra. Billy gave a look of amazement and turned away, then made the comments a few minutes later as Liz was leaving the stage.]