Quotes

(Scott Adams' Dilbert Principle) "The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least amount of damage."

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

People are idiots. No matter how smart or brilliant you may be, you spend much of your day being an idiot. I proudly include myself in the idiot category.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Reality is controlled by those who are most insane.

What matters is my Emotional Intelligence, which is defined in a book I haven't read.

There are people who believe in soulmates, but I can't help noticing that soulmates always live within driving distance of each other.

Do you see that tiny island? That is where the people who care live.

Anything that takes a book to explain is probably wrong.

You tell a man and a woman that the secret to success is to kiss a lot of old white asses, then the man will start off kissing every cheek and putting his card in every crack, and the woman will start complaining about the Glass Ceiling.

[Genius Garbageman] Get a wife and family, you won't believe how much you enjoy going in to work.

[Wally, co-worker's head just exploded] It's your turn to buy the card.

[Secretary] I can't tell you that without violating the Insane Chick Code of Ethics.

[Dogbert meets a Hollywood Producer who has his pants on his head] I don't know anything about normal people, but I'm willing to watch movies to learn about them!

[Wally, present at a "Hardening"] He's in a better place, now.

[Co-worker] I stayed up three nights for this project, but came up with nothing. Fortunately I was visited at 3am by the Spirit of an Incan Monkey God who told me what to write. Now all I have to do is decipher his simple but beautiful language.

[Dogbert] And the Solution is to quit your job and become a Syndicated Cartoonist. Any questions?

[Dilbert] What do you mean it has to be more user-friendly? [Dogbert] Well, when you consider who has children... [New Parent] And the food goes in which end, again?

Never spend too much time on your own. [Dilbert] What if I shaved off every hair on my body?

[Cute Little Alien] I came here from an Advanced Civilisation to share my wisdom! [Asok] Me too, but they don't like that kind of thing here. [Cute Little Alien, into Communicator] It's a Quagmire...

When did Ignorance become a Point of View?

[Dilbert] If pharmaceuticals can change how I feel, then free will is an illusion. [Therapist] What about your soul? [Dilbert] I'm an Engineer.

[writing in 2020] If Biden is elected, there's a good chance you will be dead within the year. Republicans will be hunted. Police will stand down.

[Dogbert] Beware the advice of successful people, they do not seek company.

[Asok] If we had an Office Intranet, we could share our Knowledge! [Dilbert] You don't have any knowledge to share. [Asok] Ouch, it hurts because it's True. [Wally] I'm hoarding my knowledge in case I ever need it.

I love seeing stuff I post in the Dilbert Blog somehow turning up in Reader's Digest....

[Dilbert, assigned a new personality] Same ol' same ol'! You got that right...

[Dilbert] Don't most Spies die in their first year?

Dilbert: "My SPOO doesn't have enough FLEEM" Wally: "Nice going..."

[Coworker:] Your success diminishes me. Dilbert: Stares in disbelief.]

What I felt like saying was: Don't you know who I am? I buy bottled water because I can!

You're not supposed to enjoy working, that's why they pay you.

Ninety percent of all new business ventures fail. Apparently, ten percent of the time you get lucky, and that's enough to support a modern economy. I'm betting that's what separates us from the animals; animals are lucky only nine percent of the time.

These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping.

It's useless to expect rational behavior from the people you work with, or anybody else for that matter. If you can come to peace with the fact that you're surrounded by idiots, you'll realize that resistance is futile, your tension will dissipate, and you can sit back and have a good laugh at the expense of others.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

You're only as important as your furniture. And that's at peak levels of dignity. [...] If you think about it, you can get fired but your furniture stays behind, gainfully employed at the company that didn't need you anymore.

Trying to win an argument with an irrational person is like trying to teach a cat to snorkel by providing written instructions. No matter how clear your instructions, it won't work. Your best strategy is to reduce the time you spend in that sort of situation.

Creativity doesn't require much time. But creativity always needs your energy. You can't create if you're pooped or your brain is full of junk. A person who manages creativity makes sure his schedule has lots of free spaces, no matter how many priorities are looming.

Some humor experts say the secret to humor is to combine something unexpected with something bad and then make sure it's happening to someone else. But if that's all it took, serial killers would be winning comedy competitions.

When we are born, all humans are clueless, self-absorbed, and helpless. Most babies will grow out of it. Those who don't become managers.

Blind obedience is easier than the alternatives and the pay's the same. In fact, the pay is better, if you look at it from an hourly perspective.

If you seek to influence someone, don't waste time giving advice. You can change only what people know, not what they do.

The concept of importance is a human one, born out of our need to make choices for survival. An omnipotent being has no need to rank things. To God, nothing in the universe would be more interesting, more worthy, more useful, more threatening, or more important than anything else.

If you're going to create, create a lot. Creativity is not like playing the slot machines, where failure to win means you go home broke. With creativity, if you don't win, you're usually no worse off than if you hadn't played.

Morality and willpower are illusions. For any human being, the highest urge always wins and willpower never enters into it.

Express gratitude. Give more than is expected. Speak optimistically. Touch people. Remember names. Don't confuse flexibility with weakness. Don't judge people by their mistakes; rather, judge them by how they respond to their mistakes.

The only people who serve on juries are people who have nothing better to do. Many of those people have jobs, which means jury duty is more pleasant than their jobs! If my job was less pleasant than jury duty, I'd want to convict innocent people just to see their eyes bulge when they hear the verdict.

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.