Quotes

[looking back on more than 60 years in show business] I was about as discreet as a ... bull taking a piss in your living room.

I think I really wanted to write my biography more to be able to mention that [John F. Kennedy] and I were friends than anything else.

Going unnoticed has never been my strong suit.

Other comedy teams never generated anything like the hysteria that [Dean Martin] and I did, and that was because we had that X factor--the powerful feeling between us. And it really was an X factor, a kind of mystery.

I shall pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again!

[2000] I don't like any female comedians. Seeing a woman in comedy sets me back a bit... I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies into the world.

I'm a multi-faceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius. I have an IQ of 190 -- that's supposed to be a genius. People don't like that. My answer to all my critics is simple: I like me. I like what I've become. I'm proud of what I've achieved, and I don't really believe I've scratched the surface yet.

The kids who're on American Idol (2002), they're all McDonald's wipeouts.

Actors will kill for you if you treat then like human beings. You have to let them know you want them and need them, pay them what they want, but don't overpay them; treat them kindly. Give an actress a clean dress and see that she gets fresh coffee in the morning and other little spoon feedings. She will kill for you.

I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

The doc told me I had a dual personality, then he lays an $82 bill on me. So I give him forty-one bucks and say "Get the other forty-one bucks from the other guy.".

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without falling into her hands.

[on Stan Laurel] His magic was, he loved the regular man. He loved plain people, and he loved being one of them. He enjoyed participating in the art of going out into the world and getting in trouble.

My dad used to say if you don't get nervous, you don't care. When I hear that first applause, my heart spreads across my chest, and I'm as happy as a pig in shit!

[on the remake of The Nutty Professor (1996)] I have such respect for Eddie [Murphy], but I should not have done it. What I did was perfect the first time around and all you're going to do is diminish that perfection by letting someone else do it.

[speaking about temptation in a 2006 interview] When fame and money come all at once, even the strongest men will get their heads turned around. I had plenty of strengths, but avoiding temptation was not one of them.

I was nine all of my life. Nine is innocent. Nine has a tremendous sense of humor and nine sees everything.