- [When asked to comment on rumours that he had sexual affairs with women who appeared on his shows]: I never yell, I never tell, but I'm grateful as hell.
- Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
- Girls are like buses: If you miss one, don't worry - another one will be along in a few minutes. And at night there aren't as many, but they're faster.
- Why get married? That's like burning down the house just to have a bit of toast. And why should I buy a book when there's such a good library in town!
- That's what show business is, sincere insincerity.
- I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.
- The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.
- Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
- Do unto others, then run.
- I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be.
- Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.
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