Quotes

[Commenting on the vocal talents of his radio show's co-star] There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

[After being presented with an award] I don't deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that, either.

[After being introduced by Ed Sullivan on his radio debut] This is Jack Benny talking. There will now be a slight pause while you say, "Who cares?"

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

[on Al Jolson] When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson, because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!

[on The Marx Brothers] If you ever eat at the Hillcrest Country Club and [Groucho Marx] is there, you'll find he'll make you laugh in the same way he does on screen, [Chico Marx], I would say, loved women and gambling, period. [Harpo Marx] was probably the sweetest man you would ever want to meet.

[on Bob Hope] It's not enough just to get laughs. The audience has to love you, and Bob gets love as well as laughs from his audiences.

[Receiving a "joke" trophy for his performance in drag in Charley's Aunt (1941)] I'm caught with my gags down. I've been waiting so long for an Oscar that I'm ready to accept anything from anybody.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

[to Rodney Dangerfield] I'm cheap and I'm thirty-nine, that's my image. But your "no respect", that's the soul of everybody. Everybody can identify with that.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

When you take a joke away from Milton Berle, it's not stealing, it's repossessing.

[on what makes a good comedian] There has to be more than just getting laughs. Laughs are not everything. People can scream at a comedian and yet not remember anything afterwards to talk about. To become real successful, they [the audience] must like you very much . . . they must have a feeling like, "Gee, I wish he was a friend of mine. I wish he was a relative".

I have always thought Ed Wynn was the world's greatest comedian, and I still think there is nobody that has ever been as funny, or will be, in my time as he was in his heyday.

[on Frank Fay] I used to like Frank Fay very much. I was never a very good friend of his--there weren't too many people that were friends of his--but on the stage I admired him.

[on how "Love in Bloom" became his theme song] Quite by accident. "Love in Bloom" is not a theme song I particularly like . . . It happened that I was fooling with that number 30 years ago, and before I could do anything about it . . . it was an avalanche, and it became my theme song.

I didn't triumph over adversity. I did not go through struggles and hardship. I always had shoes and warm clothes. My only handicap is golf.