- Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.
- Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it's a neighborhood story.
- People... need a time to laugh. It's up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, "I may be bad, honey, but I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy on the screen.".
- Once I thought that if I just had enough in the bank, if I had enough fame, that it would be all right. But I'm a human being like everyone else. I'm not exempt.
- In the land of the skunks, he who has half a nose is king.
- The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.
- I was in the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a month. I'd work... on a treadmill and with the weights, but it was driving me nuts. So I escaped. Tom Arnold picked me up and we went to Le Dome and had tons of desserts.
- I used to think that you could get to a level of success where the laws of the universe didn't apply. But they do. It's still life on life's terms, not on movie-star terms. I still have to work at relationships. I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.
- I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.
- I want to live fast and die young.
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